Whoops.

Just in case anyone sees this, I have a new blog. I felll for tumblr. Sooorrryyy.

http://maybe-some-day-soon.tumblr.com/

Follow me. <3

Abc.

Day four: FAIL.

So, fasting until Monday, when I will start the abc diet. Less calories. Faster weight loss. I will shift this.

I hate myself.

2-4-6-8

Day one: I had about 250-300 cals. (Over by 50-100)

Day two: I failed. All the pizza. (Binge hate)

Day three: 310 calories. (: (Under by almost 300)

Day four tomorrow. 800 calories. (:
I plan to have oatmeal for breakfast and noodles with egg and cheese and all manner of unhealthies tomorrow.
Eight hundred will be my pig out day man.
I'm too excited about the noodles.

I weigh 61 kgs. I'm loving this diet so much. I know it's just the beginning though. I hope I keep this love.

I just realised I wrote Punds instead of Pounds.

Today I looked up Anorexia. It said that the typical person that suffers from Anorexia consumes between 600-800 calories a day. I know lately I've been eating more than that, from binges. But it amazed me. That seems like a lot to me.
But it made me feel a little better.
I'm thinking I'm going to start the 2-4-6-8 diet. as a long term thing.
Like, starting tomorrow. 200 Calories. Then 400. 600, then eight hundred.
Then starting again at 200. And on. I think I actually could handle sticking to that... Hopefully. I dunno. We'll see.

I've decided to go with punds. Don't even ask me why.

New goal weight: 100lbs.
I'ma go switch my scales to pounds right now and see what my current weight is.
137.5lbs.

37.5lbs to lose.
I'm going to do it the unhealthy way.
At the moment I don't really care.
I'm going to weigh myself every day.
The first three days of every week I WILL fast. And then under five hundred calories for the rest.

OH MY GOD.

Fasting until the end of school. It's the holidays from Friday on. I want to try fast longer, but this is my plan to start with. I have to lose this weight. He'd never like me the way I am. |:

VERY ATTRACTIVE GUY.

WHO IS TWENTY.
AND HOT.
AND EVERYTHING MY BRAIN IS SPASMING.
Yeah. I'm not like, obsessed.
I showed a friend photos of him, and she was literally speechless. That's how hot he is.
Like, most amazing since Andrew Lee Potts WHO I just noticed today he looks a little bit like.
But, I mean, so much out of my league.
Still amazingly hot though.

Failure.

I gained weight last week.
HAVE TO FAST.
NEED TO.
Gonna try again tomorrow.
I really want to lose like, seven kgs. In a month. If that's possible.

HAHAHAHAHAHA.

FAIL.
YOU FAIL.
How about, you just stop eating? Why do you even eat? You don't even get hungry. It's ridiculous.
Just sew your lips together. Or something.
Fatty.

Whoops.

Kay, so I failed again today.
But not as bad as the other day, I think.
So if I fast for the next two days I should still be under sixty by Monday. THEN TO BEING HEALTHY. Well, kinda.

FOOD.

Y U TEMPT ME!?
Haven't eaten yet. But I'm scared. Not hungry in the slightest. Just craving. |:

Yay. (: Another success.

I successfully fasted today. Hopefully tomorrow will work as well. (:
And Saturday and Sunday...
Then I'm changing my plan slightly.
Half a serve of oatmeal, because it's supposed to burn fat, made with water instead of milk, and artificial sweetner, which I'll be buying tomorrow, for breakfast, and soup for lunch.
Nothing else.
I'm scared of eating again already 'cause not eating will screw up my metabolism, but I suppose because I will have fasted four days, and I'll still not be eating too many calories, I'll still lose weight.
ALSO LOTS OF WATER. Must drink ALL THE WATER.
I didn't do as good with he water today.
But I feel good. (: Whenever I've eaten lately, it's made me feel sick. Not eating's making me feel so good. :D
I hope I keep it up.
ALSO, IF YOU ARE READING THIS, I LOVE YOU. You're gorgeous. And You deserve to be happy. xxx

Fuuuccckk.

Mum's noticed I'm obsessing over something. She doesn't know what though. Which makes it slightly better. I need to move out...

Goal.

Must be under 60kgs by Monday.

Fast.

First day of fast: SUCCESS.
Second day of fast: FAIL.
I binged. Multiple times.

So, to fix that I'm fasting until Monday.
And I'll make it.
I've gone through magazines looking for thinspo to stick in my wallet so that it's with me at all times.
Our printer is... Non-existent. ^^

I feel sick, from all the food. I haven't even been tempted to eat today yet. Ugghh.
So, I suppose that's a good thing.
Woot.
(:

Nobody reads this, do they...?

Woot.

So, I weighed myself Monday and I was at 62.3. Not too bad...
I failed yesterday though. And I'm going out Friday to the zoo.
So I'm fasting until then. Doing good today so far. (:

Happy post. |:

I stuck to my diet yesterday.
Well.
Until I had friends over and got real drunk of high cal alcohol.
NO MORE DRINKING.
I feel like shit. I'm scared of being alone. But nobody will be with me. I literally have offered people EVERYTHING to be here.
I had a threesome last night. Not even kidding.
I was so drunk I couldn't control my hands properly so I presume I was pretty shit.
I'm so scared of being alone.
I literally would have killed myself today if my Mum wasn't already going through a heap of shit already. She doesn't need her selfish daughter fucking things up even more.
I can't do anything right.
I can't be alone any more.
I'm scared.

I did weigh myself, it was sixty three point seven.
First day: Epic fail. D: Like, binging all day.
Second day: I didn't have breakfast, and I forgot to take lunch so I got a bar that had 160 calories that I ate slowly during the day 'cause it was gross... and then soup for dinner. So it wasn't a complete fail.
Third day (today): Got up about twelve thirty, had one weet bix with skim milk and I'm gonna have soup for dinner, so I'm skipping a meal, but it doesn't count 'cause I was asleep...
^^
Weighing myself again on Monday.
Scared...
I was talking to this guy from my course, and insecurities kinda came out, he's just a mate. And I said I liked this guy but I was too fat and weird looking for him to like me back. He said I wasn't fat... But that he wasn't going to lie, I wasn't slim either. That I'm normal sized. Apart from the fact that I am NOT normal sized, I don't want to be just normal. |: So it kind of motivated me to stop with the binging.
Woot.

KAY. I WILL DO THIS.

Plans for my new diet.
Weet bix with skim milk for breakfast.
Soup for lunch and dinner.
The different kinds of soup have different amounts of calories in them, but I won't go over five hundred calories a day.
(: I just have to work out an exercise plan.
I went shopping today and got enough to last me the first six days.
I'ma stick to this one. I love soup, so it should be easy.
I'll actually update you every day this time.
I will do this.
If you're reading this, I love you. ^^ For still reading my blog even though it's been filled with failures.

I've been binging a lot lately, so I would have gone up in weight a lot. Probably around 64 - 65. ): I'll weigh myself tomorrow morning. Then again on Monday, and every Monday after that. Just so you know what's going on. :P If you were wondering.

HAHAHA. I suck.

So, I figured out my problem. Yeah, I'm slow.
Boredom eating.
I was good today. I had three pieces of sushi, and yeah, that was still three pieces too much. But it wasn't terrible. But then I got home. Two bowls of noodles with cheese and egg, a sandwhich, a piece of cake, and a spoonful of nutella. Pretty much in one go. LIKE A FUCKING BOSS.
I WASN'T EVEN HUNGRY.
So, I'm gonna get books. Lots of books, because that's the only solution I can come up with right now? Maybe ask my pretty lady Lissy if I can borrow one of her charmed dvds?
I LOVE YOU LISSY.
Any other ideas to keep me occupied and my mind off food?
I will love you forever...
<3

I got amazingly beautiful shoes today. RED DOCS WITH EMBOSSED FLOWERS.

Two hundred and fifty dollars right thurr.

OH WOW.

I had no reason to binge today.
I had the perfect opportunity to not eat and have nobody wonder why. There's nobody to wonder!
Ugh.
I am SO GOOD AT FAILING.
Food isn't even that good!
Why do I keep eating it!?
And getting fatter!?
I always feel good before I eat and terrible during and after!
It's just like a terrible habit.
D: D:
What am I supposed to do to break it?

Sorry.

For bailing out, and not sticking to the plan.
Today is Tuesday the ninth of March. I weigh 62.3 kgs.
I'm currently fasting.
I'm so sick of things being how they are, and I can't figure out how to change them.
But I can change my body.
And I will.
(:

My stomach.

Yeah. ... The first ones a picture I drew of myself.
I look pregnant...

I have one thing to say.

WHAT MAKES FOOD SO GODDAMNED HARD TO STAY AWAY FROM!?!?!!?

NEW TEN WEEK PLAN.

I aim to be fifty kgs. In ten weeks at the most.
SO, I have me a new plan.
Also, I did weigh myself, but I'm not putting it up 'cause it's FAT and I ate like a mother fucker today and I'm not impressed.
Anyway, my plan.
To eat 200 calories or less, every day. To drink at least two bottles of water a day (my bottle holds 1.2 litres). To exercise at every opportunity. To weigh myself ONCE A WEEK. On a Monday morning.
Going by this plan, I should have hip peircings by the ninth of may.
FINGERS CROSSED.
First weigh will be on Monday morning, and I'm starting the plan as of right now.
Off to my room to get in a little more exercise before bed.
<3

Today.

I'm too scared to weigh myself today.
I shall in the morning and post it.
What I've eaten (And drunken)today; An up and go, one finger of a king sized kit kat, 750 mls of sugar free v, about three to four litres of water, and noodles with sweet chilli sauce and garlic. I can't stop eating the noodles! D:
Way too much.
Tomorrow I'm going to make soup. So, pretty much pureed vegetables. ^^ Carrot, tomato, spinach, onion, potato, garlic, cayenne pepper, paprika, and salt. And that can be my food for tomorrow and Saturday.
I didn't really do much exercise today either. It consisted of: running/ walking up five stories to class, running up four stories a few times when I had to pee, running up seven stories at break, INTENSE ddr at lunch :P, and a push ups and shit belittle walking. On Monday we're back to our ninth story class. :D :D :D More climbing. I'm getting better too.
I plan to do some sit ups and push ups and shit before bed tonight. But knowing me, I'll be too lazy.
Tomorrow will be kinda tricky, 'cause I'll be at home, no stairs to run up. D: Food to tempt me ALL DAY. D: But, I'm going to try wake up before my family, go for a short ass run, then go back to bed, and hopefully get another one in when they leave. 'Cause Chris is coming over tomorrow too to help me clean the house of inspection.
ANYWAY, sorry for boring you. Gotta go pee and fill up my water bottle again. :P
<3
(:

Yeah, I fail like a boss.

FAIL: I didn't fast. BUT. I kept exercising. And I ate less. Like, yesterday was, SEVEN bottles of water, and noodles with sweet chilli sauce, garlic, and cayenne pepper. And today was, a brownie (Yeah, I know D:), and again, noodles with sweet chiili sauce, garlic, and Cayenne pepper. Oh, and about a litre and a half of water. Which will be up to two before I get to bed.

LIKE A BOSS: I just went for an hour long walk, then went to the toilet, then weighed myself. SIXTY ONE KGS. LIKE A BOSS. Kay, so I'm still flabby as all hell. BUT, five kg loss now. Eleven to go. THEN HIP PEIRCINGS. Hopefully it won't take too long.

Kay, now to go pack some more shit for leaving on Saturday, exercise some more, shower, then BED.
Bed, is God.
(:

Ugh. Binge.

Three vegemite sandwhiches, two weet bix and milk, but we had no sugar, so I used icing sugar. Then I just started eating icing sugar out of the pack.
Great. Just great.
Pretty much hate myself now.
Even better.
Yeah, I'm still downing the icing sugar.

And, again.

I haven't posted in a while, but, I'M BACK. :D
And I'm almost over him. He's decided he wants me back. Idiot, just wants me because he can't have me. But I think I can stay away this time. (: I mean, we're mates, but I already like another guy so... Yeah.
^^ I have been binge eating like, well, something that binge eats an awful lot. But tomorrow is a start again day. I'm down to sixty two. Only a loss of two kgs though. Since like, forever ago. But I WILL get down to fifty by summer. Preferably a month or two before summer, then I can get hip peircings and be able to show them off and swim without them getting infected. ^^ Also, I got bio oil yesterday, so hopefully the scars will be gone by then too. I'm only using it on the ones on my arm, because it's so expensive and I don't have much money at the moment, and the other scars are easily hidden. I'm pretty much insanely excited.
I've actually started exercising. Well, not an epic ammount, but my class is on the ninth story, so I run up there three times a day, in the morning, after break, and after lunch. And by running, I mean, running up about four stories and dragging myself up the last five, but I'm already getting better at it. Plus I'm doing leg lifts, sit ups, push ups, and and a couple of other exercises I don't know the names of, one for toning shoulders and the other for calf muscles. (:
And I'm also going to try limiting my calorie intake. I'm not sure what to though. Anyone know what number would help me lose the weight but not have me binging every night? Or is that impossible? ^^
You should comment and help me yes? Cool? Kay, cool.
Thanks. ^^

FUCK.

I want him back. So bad I can't even breathe.

I know he doesn't love me any more though.

And he'd just screw me over some more any way.

I can't fucking help how much I love him.

This is why I was scared of being alone.

Sunday.

It's quarter to six. I haven't eaten yet today, but that's not really much, I usually cave at night.

I was all good today, like, I can deal. But my friend just left and I'm like fuuuuccckk. Why? No. Ability to deal gone. Allll goonneee. I went on facebook, and I know this is pathetic, but I saw he deleted me. I'm like, wow mature. But more than that. OUCH. Like crazy ammount of ouch. I meant nothing to him at all. I'm pretty much planning to have a shower, sort out my clothes for tomorrow, and sleep. Hopefully I'll be able to. Then I can get up tomorrow and hopefully be distracted.

In better news, I finally put my second 10 mm tunnel in my ear and I'm finally done stretching. :D :D :D :D

I don't like, being alone. I'll admit that, I suck at being single. I don't want to be single. I already have a new crush. sad, I know, but I still love ***** more than anything. I'm trusting that'll go away a little if I manage to make friends and get another boyfriend. A real one that treats me good. I don't like this being single thing. It's only been a day. And I'm already sick of it.

Another post. Another decision.

I'm going to prove that I can be beautiful. Week long water fast starting right now. No exceptions. He's going to wish he never fucked me over.

Fuck.

I can feel the madness coming on. I imagine this is what a mental breakdown feels like. Only to a smaller degree. This happens to me a lot. But those times are always fixed. But the person that fixed them is gone. I'm so scared to be left alone. Which I am right now. It's driving me nuts. When I'm with people, at least it gives me something to think about, but when I'm alone it fills my ming like fog. Thick and hazy. I can't do this. The only thing that's keeping me from ending it is the thought that this is the last time I'll feel like this. Because the person who causes me to be like this is also the same person who used to fix it. It was always because of him. But I'm scared. Because he's no longer around to fix it. What if it never ends?

One things for sure, it's going to take me a long time to trust again.

My day today. Prepare to be bored and possibly sad.

So today was pretty much going really good. I was going to a party tonight at a mates with my fiancée and friend. So I was at my house with my friend and got a text from ***** (my fiance), saying they were coming to pick us up. Only it turned out they were going to only pick me up, because their plans changed and they were going to a party at someone else's place in ******, and they could only take one extra, so we faught for a bit, then me and my friend worked shit out so that I could go, she had somewhere she wanted to go anyway. So we texted them. They'd already left. They were already almost there. And somehow this all became my fault. And everything from our past came up, and I don't want to make people against him just on what I write, but he's fucked me around quite a bit, which I put up with because he was so lovely to me and I loved him so Goddamned much. He ended up hanging up on me and wouldn't answer his phone. Very mature. I got incredibly worked up and disappeared off into my room and made a gash in my hip. Then I came out, and calmly texting him that I was sick of being treated like shit and that we're over. I know it's not nice doing over text, but he's done it to me so may times before. And I just kept letting him back in. Not this time. I want to be treated like a princess. God knows I don't deserve it, but I want it. He put me through so much, literally drove me insane. I want a guy who will actually appreciate me. So I binged. As well as I could in this house, anyway. Noodles with egg and soy sauce and cayenne pepper. Pretty depressed at the moment. The madness comes and goes. But the thought of having someone who actually wants to spend time with me, rather than getting drunk with his mates every night, it's keeping me going. Maybe I'll be that lucky one day.

My brain.

My brain's just like: FOOD. I'm not hungry in the slightest and I even feel a little sick. But my brain's like: "You want noodles, mmmmm noodles want some noodles? How about weetbix, want some weet bix? Go look in the cupboards, and the fridge, just search through them. There's not much there, but hey, you can have porridge. Or jam on toast. Oh my God jam on toast. How about you make up some mashed potatoes with a heap of butter and stick in some herbs. Oh that'd be lovely. Oh god food. Just eat fat bitch, eat. You know you want to. Can I tempt you with an ice block? No? How about those noodles? Yeah, I know you want noodles. Who cares if they have an abundance of calories, have two or three packs. There's plenty of sweet chilli sauce there. And peanut butter. You could make satay ones like you used to. Ohhhh satay noodles. Eat them. Eat them now."

My spell check doesn't recognise the word satay. It tried to tell me to write Satan instead. Maybe that's a sign? How can something so bad be so good?

FUCK UP BRAIN.

Argh.

Thursday.

It's seven twenty pm here.

Today I've eaten about a quarter of a slice of cheese and two stuffed eggs. Just stuffed with cayenne pepper, chilli powder, and paprika. Plus two small cups of iced green tea and about 500 mls of pepsi max and one glass of water. I know I'm real slack on the water today but it was terrible. So when I finish my pepsi max I'ma boil up some water and fill that bottle and keep it in the fridge. Drink a bottle of that at least a day.

I've weighed myself about fifty times today, but I'll do it again just before I go to bed and post my weight then.

I was pretty crap with exercise today. Only playing ddr for a bit, doing some starjumps and situps.

But tomorrow I'm going up to Auckland city and we'll most likely be walking around all day. :D

I found out today I still have more to send in for my student loan so now I'm freaking out. D: I'll send it tomorrow, but my course starts on Monday! D: D: D:

Ugh, I feel fat after eating dinner. More situps after the parents go to bed I think.

Roar.

So, I'm like, all sad. Like really really sad. And I don't really have a reason for it. My life is absolutely fine at the moment yet I feel like falling apart. What the fuck? Any one keen for cheer up duty?

Self harm. Not quite so woot.

I forgot to update you.

I broke the promise again today.

I was so scared to tell him çause I thought he'd say he's sick of having a nut job for a girlfriend and dump me. But I told him, and I said I didn't think I could keep that promise at all any more. 'He didn't freak out like I thought though. He trusts me to work it out in my own time and he doesn't like it, but he know's I'm not going to kill myself or anything. So, yeah.

On the brighter side of life, I START FREELANCE ANIMATION SCHOOL ON MONDAY. EXCITEMENT!!! :D :D :D

Though I wish I could be this un-awkward in real life. ^-^

Woot.

I just read comments from you guys that read my blog and you made me grin so big! Thank you. :D

So, today, I weighed myself, and I'm like "What bitch? Almost 65 kgs? Wait what?" D: And then I was like, well, and you really don't need to know this, but I haven't actually pooped in about a week. Attractive, yes, you want me now don't you? And then I actually pooped! Big moment. And I'm down to 63.5. Which isn't like an incredible ammount of weight loss, but, well, from one toilet trip I suppose it is, it made me feel good. Like woot, I'm actually starting to get somewhere! So I'm like, kay, Mummy, I no eat carbs, kay? So she's just like, kay my teenage daughter's on a diet. And I'm like. Hehe. I don't have to eat with the family any more.

I also am very happy with green tea. :D :D :D

I mean, it's absolutely terrible, but it's so good for you!! I just wait for it to cool down until I can skull it, then do that. May not be the best way, but hey, at least I drink it. ^-^

Tomorrow I have pepsi max, carbonated drinks ftw. and lipton iced green tea. It may have 71 calories per serve D: but I'll only have a couple and I'ma exercise a tonne hopefully. If I can be like "I HAVE GOT WILLPOWER". And no foods. I'll let you know how it works out tomorrow. (:

Peace out.

... Man I'm hardcore.

What?

I'm craving cornflakes like mad.
What kind of a food to crave is conflakes!?
o_O
I'm glad we have none.
Oh my God. I could eat a whole pack right now.
Omnomnomnom.

Sunday.

It's the beginning of Sunday. (: Seven ten.
I've been up all night.
I failed my fast. Pretty much knew I would though.
But Today's a new day. :D I hope it goes better.
I will have to eat today, going to a market with Dad, but I'm planning on just getting a subway wrap with just salad.
It's easier to handle being hungry when I picture those hip piercings. <3
Argh, I put a ten mm tunnel in my ear this morning and changed my other ear from eight up to ten. My puppy also decided to attack my ears a lot this morning. Good timing delilah. My ears are still stinging. D: Ouuuccchh.

ALSO. Green tea. If you drink three cups a day you burn about a hundred calories a day. It speeds your metabolism up and is REALLY good for you. It may not taste amazing, but you get used to it, and honey makes it better. It's worth it. ^^

Friday.

It's five here and so far I haven't eaten. (:
Woot.
And I think I'm going to manage today.
Apparently the first days the worst. Hope so. ^-^
I happy.
Going over to a friend's later though. But I think I got my excuses sorted.
(:

Fast.

Kay. Woah.
It's six am here and the sky looks AHMAZING. Like WOW. It's bright pink and orange around where the sun is, clear blue up top, then a really pretty light purple on the other side of the sky. I need to be awake to watch the sun rise more often. <3

Any way. Day one of my fast which I've decided to do.
Woot.
Wish me luck. ^^

Stupid amazingly brilliant sky distracting me.
Woah.

I honestly can't think of anything else right now.
Blog again later.
(:

Self harm and being fat.

I promised my boyfriend I'd stop cutting.
I didn't know how hard it'd be.
I have already broken that promise once.
The urge never disappears. D:

I am fucking huge. Sometimes I think I should just give up on trying to be skinny. Those are generally the times I binge. Thing is, it happens every day. So I just stay fat. I wanted to be down to fifty by the seventh of February, but obviously that's not going to happen.
I'm living with my parents for the next month or so still. So there's still going to be all this food! I have the will power of, something with nil will power!
I always wish I could purge. Just until I move out. Once that happens, the temptation will be gone. I won't have food. I won't have the money for food.
I'm so jealous of all you skinny people!!!
D:

Binge.

Good old chocolate chips.
I WANT TO BE ABLE TO PURGE.
D:

Wednesday

650 Calories today. D:
Absolutley terrible.
Only good thing I did was drink plenty of water.
Days like today make me wish I could purge.
I don't care that everyone tells me I shouldn't. That it's not good. But everything I've tried has failed. D:
I get to move out soon though, hopefully in a few weeks. So I'm going to do a water fast for the first fourteen days. Then cut down my calorie intake.
Hip piercings here I come!

Woot. I'ma get these when I get to 50 kgs. Then a tattoo at 45. :D

First Post!

I weigh about 63 kgs.
I aim to weigh 45 as quickly as I can.
I hate being this fat.
A recent binge on chocolate chips has made me realise how incredibly bad I've become. D:
For a while I consumed 140 calories and walked three hours every day.
I felt amazing.
But now I just seem to binge every day non stop.
I'm going to use this blog to try write every day what I eat. And ask for any tips.
And put my inspiration.
And any thing else I feel like at the time.
TIPS VERY WELCOME. :D